A divorce is not an easy situation and always generates stress , both for the couple and for the children, if any. It is not pleasant for anyone, but it does not have to affect the children more than any big change would affect, such as a move, a transfer from the country, that mom or dad have to be away for work or with complicated schedules, the arrival of a baby brother or an illness.
We assume that coexistence is impossible and that the couple prefers to end the relationship rather than continue to maintain the disagreement and tension, and that if the separation were to be postponed for the “good of the children”, it would be harmful in the long run for everyone because two people who are together uncomfortably it is difficult for them to transmit to their children the tranquility that parenting requires.
So at this point, it is convenient to remain calm and be very clear that children do not have to pay for our mistakes. It is very tempting to “use” children as a weapon, but we must avoid doing so at all costs. Life has stages and if we have to turn the page, let’s do it without harming those we love the most. They hope to see us well and that we are as always by their side. If we can make them feel that way, we will have done well.
We give you some tips that you can apply as appropriate to your personal situation:
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Talk with them
It depends on the age of the children and their understanding, if they are young they can still be told that mom or dad is going to another house for work, or if they are older, explain that you are not well together and have different opinions about some things, so you prefer to live apart. Always clarify that this does not change the affection that the child will receive and that mom and dad, despite their differences, love each other (in another way) and will always be by their side. It is important that the minor knows that he can see the parent he does not live with whenever he wants and the circumstances allow.
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Respect the partner
It is vital never to discredit the other parent. Whatever happened between us, we must never speak negatively of the other. The child does not deserve to suffer an unfair attitude and it would really be very unfair to disqualify the other person out of spite or resentment. What you do have to talk about is what will happen with the separation and answer all the questions you have for as long as necessary.
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Continue routines
As far as possible, the child’s schedule, environment, activities and customs should be respected. The less your life changes, the better. If you have to modify things, do it in a calm and positive way.
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Don’t lose your nerves
It’s not easy, but take a deep breath and count to ten if necessary. At least in front of the child you have to convey good sense and security. Letting him know that he is not to blame for anything, that in fact it is not anyone’s fault, there comes a day when things look different and nobody is better than anyone. Learning to relativize will help you and us too. Let’s do it.
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Facilitates the relationship with the other parent
You have to respect the agreed visiting hours and, in my opinion, be flexible if necessary. If the child lives with us, let’s think about what it would be like not to have him so close and then it will be easier to do everything possible because they enjoy each other by giving in at some time or day change, if something unforeseen arises. If the child sees respect and good will on the part of both, believe me, he will feel good, calmer and also will learn to be fair and tolerant by example.
With love and patience, a civilized separation can be achieved. And if our partner does not put much of his part, more patience still, and we think that everything, absolutely everything happens and in a while it looks different.
Let’s hug our children a lot, that sure is the best motivation we can find.
